It’s sleeting outside at 5:30am, and in Dallas that calls for serious news coverage and the furrowed brows of many a meteorologists. As a tv journalist for almost 10 years I know that right now every morning news crew is frantically considering which overpasses to go live from and my friend, a traffic reporter, is probably dreading the frenzy that her news director will be in to ensure ‘continuing coverage’ throughout the morning. Meanwhile, I’m focused on burping my baby and not getting spit up on my pajamas, without a care in the world on the road conditions (other than how I can convince my husband to work from home today).
I just finished nursing my 3.5 week old son and while I rocked him back to sleep (and indulgently snuggled with him before returning him to his bassinet) while reading my new book, Mommy Wars, edited by Leslie Morgan Steiner. It’s personal stories from stay-at-home mothers and working moms and the struggles and challenges they both face to be good moms, wives and career women while trying to maintain sanity. And for me, it’s opened up dialogue with my own mother and friends to learn which parts of motherhood have been the hardest for them. I learned my Mom suffered from postpartum depression when, as a savvy career woman and international traveler (and former assistant to the President of Israel) found herself holed up with an infant and 2-year-old, making fig preserve in the country in Texas. And today over lunch with my oldest girlfriend, she shared the guilt she felt when she took her three-month-old son in for a check up and learned he was slightly under weight because her milk production was low. I’m happy to report he is now a rambunctious, healthy 2.5-year-old. But to me, these stories, and the ones in Mommy Wars, are a relief. In real life motherhood is spectacular, but it isn’t always a glamorous, picture perfect life.
I love both working and being a mother and I would be lying if I didn’t admit I’m really torn with my decision to return to work right now. I know I will, being a lifestyle and entertainment reporter in a top 5 market in the country is a coveted job, and one I really enjoy. And I did take satisfaction in my first shopping excursion today (with Baer strapped into his car seat) and zipping up that size 4 Thakoon dress that I plan to wear on my first day back. But when I hold that little infant in my arms, who sighs with contentment after his belly is full and warm with milk, my heart melts and all I want is to stay in this warm house with him pressed to my chest forever.
I guess right now I have my own internal Mommy War going on, but at least I’m trying to enjoy the moment of being on maternity leave and watching as this little infant transforms into a pudgy, squirmy, adorable little baby in front of my very eyes. But in my head the countdown to my April 6th return to work has begun and while I’m excited about returning, I’m already heart broken at the thought of leaving him for an entire day.
